Selected Pieces

McSweeney’s:

Why I’m Waiting Until Marriage to Replace the Brita Filter

Welcome Our New Head of HR, The Incinerator 850

Slackjaw:

Voicemails From A Real Housewife To Her Hairstylist

ZERO: The Health Insurance That Covers Nothing

Famous Writers Discuss Flossing

Points In Case:

I Like My Architectural Design Like I Like My Leaders: Dictatorial

Relaxing Foreign Getaways That No Longer Accept Your U.S. Passport

10 Failed Attempts by Johnson & Johnson to Rebrand Its Baby Shampoo Post-Opioid Trial

The Belladonna Comedy:

Quiz: Are You a Victim of Gaslighting or Are You Watching The Golden Girls?

Astrological Signs You Shouldn’t Date (Because They’re a Drug Dealer)

Decode the Mystical Numerology of Your Student Loans

2 Ho Ho Ho’s:

A Seasoned Hallmark Christmas Movie Costumer Designer’s Top Tips

Elizabeth Holmes Shares Her Last-Minute Halloween Costume Ideas

Greener Pastures Magazine:

I’m the Full Moon and People Need to Stop Blaming Me for Their Shit

Instruction Manual for “Flossing! The Game” *

*Yes, I’ve written multiple flossing-related humor pieces.